the
table piece
let
me meet you at the tableI have difficulty eating with strangers
but I will try to eat with you talk with youcommunication is
sometimes difficult for meI am sometimes silent even at the
table the place for conversing. dine with me eat with me, eat
me...
it
is difficult at th-th-the
sometimes
to put something in my mouth while someone is wa-wa
watching,
while you are watching. It is in herein this section where the
meat is
the
table = ideal, romantic love, possessiveness, jealous, manipulative
and controlling
he
wants to throw out the table
security, protection, paternal love
I want to keep it
in
another segment he and I lapse into an improvisational kind of
Monty Python or old British Music Hall sketch with a man and
a womanhusband and wife fighting about a table in a Cockney
accenthe hates the table and I'm saying "how can you say
that about the tableit's the reason we can sit together and
eat together" and then my-my-my
sit
together-eat together
and
then my argument deteriorates into "my mother gave me this
table and it's one of my only pieces of memorabilia fromthe
only thing I have full of the de-de-de
memory
of me dead mother"
loving
a small one breathing
sitting in
sitting
in amniotic fluid
love boundless
then speech appeared
and love lessened
maternal
lovewe are tied together and he wants me to let you go
mother he wants you to let me go
I
was around 6 in a pink and white dress
lots of lacemy father therewe were playing
the
floral print wallpaper at my birthday party
2 years oldI cried when I couldn't put my fingers in the cake
someone
said: I love you...you're so beautiful
What
can I do? What do you want me to do?
No,
you're a woman...a Norman, I mean a normal woman
So,
I guess you're stuck with us, unless you find
someone else to adopt you
you
hit me last night
the
other night
when
we switched
from
one end of the bed
to
the other
I
could have sworn
you
were her
and
she you
mind
flips
Sam
and I were talking and then I realized I was in a little boy's
body and I started to screampeople thought that the boy was
possessed but I felt I was trapped inside him and was so frightenedhe
was maybe 7 or 8 years olda little blond boy.
Sam
and I had been travelingwe were staying with friends and we
had to get back (the trip was connected with a college somehow)
one of the friends gave us directionshow to take the subway
backI had a hard time getting dressed to go and couldn't find
my black jeansgot the woman who lived there to help mein this
little yellow storage alcove to find my clothesthen I couldn't
get my jeans on because I'd put my big brown boots on firstso
I started all over againbut I finally left and Sam had something
to get together and said he'd meet me at a certain subway stationso
I was on the train and I saw the stop but wasn't sure it was
the right onebut I took a chance and constantly looking for
Sam I jumped off right before the doors closedI got off and
he wasn't there and the station was desertedthe train had also
been empty except for meI searched and searched for the exit
and then finally found it through a dark parking lot and slipped
through a high fenceout on the streetno Samno oneI'm in the
middle of nowhere in the middle of the nightI saw woodsI was
by a highwayI saw a gas station and I was so afraidso frightened
but I started walkingtrying to find my way.
I
was an adulthe, a childhe asked me to watch his initiation
ceremonya woman asked to watch the initiation of a boy into
manhoodwhy? Perhaps another way of teachingto observe his wayhis
path and followSam's role always seen not so much as a father
but as a brotherpeer and family.
Little
Red Riding Hood"Damsel in distress"I followed her
"coming out"I became the knight in shining armorI
rescued her from the evil villain who kidnapped her then disappearedI
was an adultshe was a childI was her guardian/protectorI followed
in her footstepsI was "after her"I found her "got
her back" in the endshe let me catch hergave me clues
"left me a trial/trail" pathway/road/plan/goal/jailshe
was the "wild child"I was the mother learning from
hershealways my connection with the world of women
whe-whe-whe
when
she lets me go
I'm not satisfiedwhen she holds meI'm not satisfiedI want
the table and the food on it and also spacethe clear spacefreedomfeed
meI am afraid full or emptytoo full of you I disappearonly
desire remainsnervousmy body shakesit shakes and I mirror
youfull of you unsatisfiedempty still wanting.
step
and again
picture
enough
particle
sure
painstaking
sound
current
prayer
step
and forget
pure
tin
relax
and reward
binary
stew
strain
succor
bargain
parade
pure
and again
swing
light
painful
stake
talent
stagger
popular
strain
opulent
soak
target
sound
pick-up
channel
mother
means direction in darkened stepsfootsteps can be whisperssureness
stains the landscape and uneven stories sandwichedconstant and
dear downstare whale boned history scamper in my wrong step harness
itI'm sorry and that always happens
kitchen
us with gingerbreadyou taught me to bake to feed and I am always
fullfertileordinary especially good dangers will awaitI could
tell you wanted meI could see this although you denied itdenial
was the green light isn't that what they say about women what
they usually say about womenyou are my woman hard to get
and
this is all playwhen I sit at the table I remember all of this
I can see this in your eyesguilt is a familiar emotionfor what
I've done and what I haven't donedied this yes this feeling
of dying an ending war houseI was preparing myself he said for
another event yet another surprise toowhenever we pleasurestops
to standstammer
as
the divine Marquis said: the child belongs to the father not
the motherowes allegiance to the father not the mother...