Kristine Snodgrass

 

Semantics

We went bowling that day. Me, Dandelion
and Alf. We walked up the plank after Alf
got a strike – Dandelion wanted to jump
ship. I suggested he try a free trial of Paxil for
his social anxiety disorder. In the distance was a sail
connected to a bottle of mineral water, the expensive
French kind. Alf and I felt like martyrs when we used
that old gaff to pick up the sail. We laughed at a scene in Moby Dick
and sat arguing about the pronunciation of quahog.

“Why would Ishmael and Queequeg eat cod chowder
after they just ate quahog chowder?”, Dandelion asked.
Alf and I laughed at his obsequious misconception
of chowder. The three of us sat down to begin counting
the kernals of corn that were delivered to us by Fed Ex
earlier that morning. “Maybe they were really hungry”
Dandelion added. “Oh dandelion”, I said
“you're such a semiotician!”.

 

Spells for Relieving Morning Sickness

1

If your morning sickness is not in the morning, rather constant and persistent,
Try this spell five minutes before midnight. Especially good for tall women.

Prepare your body with a slathering of grape-seed oil. Lie flat on your bed with the palms of your hands placed over the womb.

Chant five times: Acid, blood, Mallarme, leave now, mix quietly and go

Turn over onto your stomach.

Chant seven times: Skin, soil, dilettante, stay together in the wind and pass through my skin.

2

For frequent and obsessive vomiting (more than 5 times a day) mix the ingredients below, blend, and pour into a clear glass cup. Chant the spell below before you drink.

Plastics and purists and permit-drivers, suck your thumbs and remember your mothers NOW. Take that memory and ball it up and light it over the canal, let it burn and run away.

2 tablespoons Clover honey
1 cup Plain yogurt
10 Tums tablets
½ Banana
4 soda crackers
1 shot gingerale
1 shot Jack Daniels
some apple juice


3

In case of severe nausea induced by increased sense of smell, use the following spell. Repeat these thoughts of the Goddess 3 times:

Then I picked up a salted peanut and noticed that nothing had ever tasted so salty before. It felt like being a child again and trying to swim in the Great Salt Lake. Only the peanut was even saltier! My liver and my spleen and my intestines were corroded with salt. I longed to taste a fresh peach or strawberry and have the flavor and sweetness and delectibleness of them consume me also. I began to laugh in a totally mad way. Everyone in the whole universe was mad except me.